Mapping Project - Critiqued and Done

As an artist, having ones artwork critiqued can either be a very nonchalant event or it can be a very scary event.  For me, it has never been scary or nonchalant; I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle.  It's never too scary for me because I have confidence in what I do and why I do it.  I know that even if someone doesn't like my art work, that's okay.  Their opinion matters but it doesn't have to make or break me.  I expect constructive criticism so even if someone does take it a little far so that maybe they are a little mean, I don't hold it against them.  If others love my art work, of course it makes me feel good inside and more confident but even then, I don't take it too seriously.  I know every centimeter of my work so I know all the flaws and of course, I am reminded of them when I revisit my work.  Either way, positive or negative reaction from my viewers, I'm usually ok.  For this particular Mapping Project, the critique was about 95% positive and 5% negative.

The 95% positive comes from an overwhelming consensus from the class about what my drawing was trying to say.  They nailed it and then some.  While I was listening to them discuss my drawing I was still realizing more symbolism within my drawing that I didn't even try to do yet it supported the meaning.  That's one very beautiful thing about mixed media - anything's possible.

The 5% negative comes from a couple comments about the use of text in my drawing - whether it was really effective or necessary.  I agree and I disagree.  I think the drawing would have been just as beautiful without the text and maybe it would have even been better because not having text would allow the figure to be the only focus.  The figure was very beautifully done so I can see why one would not want the text there to compete.  Also, using text in a drawing, in general, isn't very widely supported among artists.  I can see why that is.  It's hard to make it work/do it right.  But then I disagree because of the reason why the text is in there.  The text is in there to enforce the meaning behind the drawing and to create an uncontrollable texture.  I wrote the poem; the poem maps my thoughts and it shows so much emotion.  The words enforce the feeling of the drawing and allow the viewer to have a more concrete idea of what's really going on.  Maybe it's not necessary, I'm not exactly sure.

Overall, I was/am very pleased with how the critique went.  In the future just as in the past, I probably won't use much text in my drawings but if I do, I'll have a better idea for how to do it. 

Let Out - Acrylic, Chalk Pastels, Charcoal (9' by 5')

Looking back...

Looking back at this mapping project, I am amazed at how different it appears now compared to how I saw it when it was first introduced to our class.  We heard of this map project, we learned of other artists, we brainstormed ideas, we looked deep within ourselves and then we sketched.  This has become a reoccurring process for me as an artist.  So much research and thought goes into a project.  Sometimes it gets overwhelming and frustrating when all that’s desired is a “disappear”-session with art.  As human beings we have all these things that go on in our daily lives, both within us and without us:  family events, friends, work, bodily functions, memories, the future, school, etc.  That’s a lot to process.  Uniquely, as artists, we take all that stuff and we tend to “deal with it” through art of some sort.  We put in our head phones, set up a place to draw/create and we disappear for hours at a time until we feel better inside.  Life is filled with a series of coping mechanisms…some are more satisfying than others.  Because of this project, I’ve realized that art, for me, has the ability to sooth me in three different levels.

An immediate release: let’s say I’m really upset, something just happened and I need to feel better immediately.  I pick up a piece of paper, a big chunk of charcoal and I just start drawing.  There’s nothing in my head but frustration and emotions.  When I’m done, most of the time I don’t know what I drew but most likely I feel better – I’m ready to face the world again.

An average release:  this would be a well thought out project but with not much research behind it.  It usually has some sort of meaning attached to it from deep within me/from my life.  When I’m done I feel a sense of relief and when I look at it I can smile. 

Complete art therapy:  this is exactly what this project has meant for me.  We researched for weeks, we talked about it all, I went home and talked about it with my friend Heather, I came back to class and discussed it/researched more, I did sketches, sat down with my friend Heather to go over the sketches, made my artistic decisions, bought supplies and started when I felt healthiest to start.  I put all that I am into this project and I’m happy to say I’m not only satisfied with the outcome, but I’m also satisfied with how I feel inside about what I chose to map.  I let out what was within me.

So it seems as if the more effort I put into the pre-drawing process, the more rewards comes in the end.  This isn’t the first project I’ve felt this with.  Yes, it’s a little daunting but the outcome is so inspiring that I can only hope to continue on this path so that, maybe, this whole process will become more second nature.  

Woke up from a dream and this is what I JUST HAD to draw...An Immediate Release for sure. 

Creative writing ---> Art

I've always thought that I couldn't write, that I was bad at English, that I had horrible sentence structure, that my vocabulary was small, that I had stupid thoughts, that I didn't know how to express myself verbally, etc.  This was what I was told and therefore how I felt.  When I was in a group situation, I would shy away from talking because I was afraid of saying something stupid.  More and more as I got older I isolated myself.  My anxiety increased and so did the onset of depression.  I went into a very dark place and in order to get out, I had to seek counseling.  In counseling I looked back at my life before all the negative messages started taking over my thoughts and being.  I saw that I used to be a very happy social person who loved to write poems, create things, draw, paint and most of all, be goofy in order to make others laugh.  How did I manage to let go of all these things I love?  The next question I had to ask was How do I get this back? 

So I started writing in a journal again. I started writing poems.  I started drawing and painting.  Last but not least, I started to talk and say what was on my mind no matter who was around.  I found that I was more clever and intelligent than I ever thought I could be.  People liked me and thought I was funny...it's sad but true that I was shocked.

Since I started writing poems, I have no idea how many poems I've written.  I write when I'm happy, sad, lonely, excited, mad, etc.  Some times they rhyme and some times they don't.  It's my way of expressing myself artistically in a more grammatical way.  Drawing satisfies the visual part of my soul and writing satisfies the verbal/literary part of my soul. 

For the first drawing III project - mapping, I am bringing my poems and my art together.  I've decided to map my thoughts, anxieties and worries in the form of a poem behind the figure of a woman who looks like she's struggling.  The wording behind the figure will cause the drawing to have a stumbling effect that I can't control or predict.  As you could probably imagine, this project has now become one of the most satisfying projects I've ever done and it has barely begun.  I can't wait to see how it turns out....

The poem I wrote is very violent, beautiful and random - my thoughts at the time written for the world to see; what was within - let out - so it doesn't hurt anymore.  Below I will type out the first stanza and the last stanza...the poem doesn't have a title so I'll just use the date it was written as the title.

2/1/2011

I love you,
I hate you,
I want you,
I need you,
I can't stand you,
So much happier without you......

Deep inside I'm angry,
This anger a swell,
Resentment subdued,
If I let it out,
Will I hate you...
Hate them...
Or will I find a way...
To love and let go -
Let go and love. 

The following post will be based off a topic that was brought up during class discussion:  What do I scrutinize? 

The country that you are born and raised in shapes who you are as a person, what you think, your aspirations, how you see the rest of the world, etc.  Where you are is very influential towards who you are inside.  It’s just the way it is. 

I was born in a small town called Amery, WI.  Growing up, I always had aspirations of traveling abroad but every time I would mention it, people would either look at me like I was crazy or they would say, “wow, you’re brave! Do it while you’re young”.  The most common thing I would hear about other countries is that they needed our help: Habitat for Humanity, Peace Corps, donate money here, send clothes here, evangelize here, etc.  This caused me, and probably a lot of other people, to look down on other countries.  Especially developing countries. 

So then I eventually did travel abroad.  I went on a mission trip to Bogota Colombia in 2004 and then I studied abroad in Dakar, Senegal (NW Africa) for a semester in 2006.  The reality of actually being there and not just reading about the country, culture or people out of a book is almost indescribable.  I learned more than I could have ever imagined and then I came back to the United States… 

Now, instead of seeing the world through a set of United States lenses only, I also can see it through Bogota’s and a Senegalese lens.  This has lead to a lot of anger within me towards the Unities States, politics, country-to-country relations, colonialism, charities, etc. 

For example, shortly after arriving in Dakar, one of the first things I noticed was how much garbage was all over the streets and sidewalks.  The first thought I had was about how much poverty there must be and then I wondered, why don’t they clean up after themselves? Don’t they have trash clean up people?  Don’t they recycle?  As you can see, those are all things we have and do in the United States.  So why does this “problem” of trash all over the streets exist for the Senegalese?  First and foremost, before Colonialism, most African nations didn’t have much mass production of goods with special packaging…if any.  Living with my host family, I was able to see that they waste very little on an every day basis.  They reuse their dishwater, they wash their clothes by hand, and they spend a lot of time with their families.  So how did all these little wrappers get all over the streets?  All the little wrappers I saw on the streets were wrappers from goods that were shipped in from Europe, the United States or some other country.  They’re sent these goods and then what do they do with the wrappers but litter them wherever they seem fit…that confused me so I asked my host family why they don’t have a garbage disposal/collection company?  They said they do but they aren’t able to come by that often.  So then I noticed that they do have trashcans but they just don’t have as many as us.  Their living conditions are different.  Not worse. Not better. Just different.  A lot of African nations have issues… just like the U.S. has its own issues.  How is that we are then able to look at them and say your way of living needs to be improved so we’re going to send you a donation of clean water, power adapters, clothes, blankets, food, etc. so that then you will then have to figure out how to dispose of the water jugs when you’ve drank the water?  The clothes and blankets will probably have been made in the U.S. for U.S. weather conditions…the food not at all something they can or would even want to make.  Do those people who give these things even really know where they’re donating to and how it will be used?  This is not to say that their intentions should be ignored; I’m sure they really do care and they really do want to help.  All I’m saying is that before “we” go and try to help/change another nation/group of people, why don’t we research, try our hardest to understand and make sure we aren’t doing them a disservice?  Look at how horrible some nation-to-nation relations have gone in the past.  It’s too horrible and sad to be ignored yet it still is.  When I was in Dakar, our president at the time, George Bush Jr., bought the Senegalese president Abdoulaye Wade a fleet of brand new SUVs.  Gas guzzling SUVs made in the United States for an African president who lives and travels within Africa…a very hot/tropical country.  Cars in the United States can over heat in 90 degree weather when Africa was 100 plus degrees for 2 of the 3.5 months that I was there.  And on top of that, the street pollution in Dakar was horrible.  Why not buy Abdoulaye Wade a more “green friendly” vehicle? 

Because of my experiences abroad, I heavily scrutinize any and all nation-to-nation relations.  It seems much more logical to look within your own country to aid/understand rather than looking at another country, guessing at what they need and then aiding them in their “struggles”. 

From all of this, I created the following picture.  Behind all the black and sparkly stuff is a map of Africa.  This, to me, shows Africa as a dark, mysterious place.  The gold sparkles indicate that it’s also a magical place.  It really is.  Senegal is beautiful with such rich culture.  In order to see that, we must set aside our United States lenses and see other countries for what they are.  Not for what “we” think they are.  

Look Deeper - Mixed Medium

Finding my Voice

Ok, so, I draw. You might say I'm a "drawer".  Drawing has always been more of an intimate form of art for me.  I enjoy how when I'm drawing I am able to touch every inch of the paper or canvas I am working on.  I tend to get ridiculously close so that it looks like I probably have a sight problem.  As much as that might be true, I get so close so that I can see and work every inch of what I'm working to perfection - to my perfection.  A paint brush has always made me feel "far from" my work and that feeling has never really felt right to me.  The medium of paint is also very uncontrollable compared to chalk pastels.  This might be because I don't know the medium yet or it may be that it just doesn't mix well with my soul.  I'm not sure.  Either way, I'm sure that I will find out soon what the real deal is since I'm taking a Painting class which so far has completely thrown me off kilter.

The first assignment was simple:  mix 2 blues, 2 reds and 2 yellows carefully together to make a black that has no trace of any other color in it.  Hmmm...I've never done anything like this before.  When drawing, I layer colors to make other colors and I love that so maybe I'll be ok at this too.  The first try was ok, the second try was a little better and then I finished all 12 samples with what I thought to be moderate success.  I hadn't shown my teacher yet though so I didn't know how I was really doing - my eyes see things differently like I previously said.  Since I had mixed up all the blacks, I was ready to start on the actually painting part of the project - painting paper plates, cups and sheets of paper that have been nailed to the wall.  Boring - yes, but my hope was that I would see why it was useful to do such a painting once I started.  I put paint brush to paper and that was the point that I started freaking out.  "OMG, I'm horrible at this." "I just want to draw" "Why won't this paint do what I want it to do" etc.  It was a very miserable experience.  I went home that night determined to learn the medium of paint like I had learned the medium of Charcoal, pencil and Chalk Pastels.  Practice makes perfect right...

To start, I just played around and mixed colors and saw how the paint moved on the paper.  When some colors mixed they turned to brown, some greenish and some mixed to give me a color I didn't know was possible.  It was a fun experience overall even though I didn't like what I painted.  The next night I decided to actually paint something.  I was in a very sad mood because life wasn't going my way so I also needed to create art to get that feeling out of me.  A while back I took a picture of myself naked in the reflection of my window because I don't have a body-length mirror in my possession.  The picture resolution didn't turn out the best but I enjoyed certain aspects of it.  I also really enjoy working with the color purple because I don't understand the color...I also associate it with spirituality for some odd reason.  So I decided to paint myself naked in the reflection of my window using different shades of purple.

Of course, it was a struggle at first.  The paint wasn't doing what I wanted it to do so I took a deep breath, told myself to keep going and let the paint lead you...follow your instinct Sandy.  I listened to my voice and by the time I was done, I was extremely happy with what came about.  The marks I made and the overall feel of the painting was completely unanticipated.  Such a beautiful thing.  I guess I'll keep breathing and listening to my beautiful voice.

p.s.  In class on Monday, my professor looked at my samples and the painting and told me I was doing great...I guess I'm way too hard on myself.  

Shamelessly Purple - Oil Paint