Creative writing ---> Art

I've always thought that I couldn't write, that I was bad at English, that I had horrible sentence structure, that my vocabulary was small, that I had stupid thoughts, that I didn't know how to express myself verbally, etc.  This was what I was told and therefore how I felt.  When I was in a group situation, I would shy away from talking because I was afraid of saying something stupid.  More and more as I got older I isolated myself.  My anxiety increased and so did the onset of depression.  I went into a very dark place and in order to get out, I had to seek counseling.  In counseling I looked back at my life before all the negative messages started taking over my thoughts and being.  I saw that I used to be a very happy social person who loved to write poems, create things, draw, paint and most of all, be goofy in order to make others laugh.  How did I manage to let go of all these things I love?  The next question I had to ask was How do I get this back? 

So I started writing in a journal again. I started writing poems.  I started drawing and painting.  Last but not least, I started to talk and say what was on my mind no matter who was around.  I found that I was more clever and intelligent than I ever thought I could be.  People liked me and thought I was funny...it's sad but true that I was shocked.

Since I started writing poems, I have no idea how many poems I've written.  I write when I'm happy, sad, lonely, excited, mad, etc.  Some times they rhyme and some times they don't.  It's my way of expressing myself artistically in a more grammatical way.  Drawing satisfies the visual part of my soul and writing satisfies the verbal/literary part of my soul. 

For the first drawing III project - mapping, I am bringing my poems and my art together.  I've decided to map my thoughts, anxieties and worries in the form of a poem behind the figure of a woman who looks like she's struggling.  The wording behind the figure will cause the drawing to have a stumbling effect that I can't control or predict.  As you could probably imagine, this project has now become one of the most satisfying projects I've ever done and it has barely begun.  I can't wait to see how it turns out....

The poem I wrote is very violent, beautiful and random - my thoughts at the time written for the world to see; what was within - let out - so it doesn't hurt anymore.  Below I will type out the first stanza and the last stanza...the poem doesn't have a title so I'll just use the date it was written as the title.

2/1/2011

I love you,
I hate you,
I want you,
I need you,
I can't stand you,
So much happier without you......

Deep inside I'm angry,
This anger a swell,
Resentment subdued,
If I let it out,
Will I hate you...
Hate them...
Or will I find a way...
To love and let go -
Let go and love.