Finding my Voice

Ok, so, I draw. You might say I'm a "drawer".  Drawing has always been more of an intimate form of art for me.  I enjoy how when I'm drawing I am able to touch every inch of the paper or canvas I am working on.  I tend to get ridiculously close so that it looks like I probably have a sight problem.  As much as that might be true, I get so close so that I can see and work every inch of what I'm working to perfection - to my perfection.  A paint brush has always made me feel "far from" my work and that feeling has never really felt right to me.  The medium of paint is also very uncontrollable compared to chalk pastels.  This might be because I don't know the medium yet or it may be that it just doesn't mix well with my soul.  I'm not sure.  Either way, I'm sure that I will find out soon what the real deal is since I'm taking a Painting class which so far has completely thrown me off kilter.

The first assignment was simple:  mix 2 blues, 2 reds and 2 yellows carefully together to make a black that has no trace of any other color in it.  Hmmm...I've never done anything like this before.  When drawing, I layer colors to make other colors and I love that so maybe I'll be ok at this too.  The first try was ok, the second try was a little better and then I finished all 12 samples with what I thought to be moderate success.  I hadn't shown my teacher yet though so I didn't know how I was really doing - my eyes see things differently like I previously said.  Since I had mixed up all the blacks, I was ready to start on the actually painting part of the project - painting paper plates, cups and sheets of paper that have been nailed to the wall.  Boring - yes, but my hope was that I would see why it was useful to do such a painting once I started.  I put paint brush to paper and that was the point that I started freaking out.  "OMG, I'm horrible at this." "I just want to draw" "Why won't this paint do what I want it to do" etc.  It was a very miserable experience.  I went home that night determined to learn the medium of paint like I had learned the medium of Charcoal, pencil and Chalk Pastels.  Practice makes perfect right...

To start, I just played around and mixed colors and saw how the paint moved on the paper.  When some colors mixed they turned to brown, some greenish and some mixed to give me a color I didn't know was possible.  It was a fun experience overall even though I didn't like what I painted.  The next night I decided to actually paint something.  I was in a very sad mood because life wasn't going my way so I also needed to create art to get that feeling out of me.  A while back I took a picture of myself naked in the reflection of my window because I don't have a body-length mirror in my possession.  The picture resolution didn't turn out the best but I enjoyed certain aspects of it.  I also really enjoy working with the color purple because I don't understand the color...I also associate it with spirituality for some odd reason.  So I decided to paint myself naked in the reflection of my window using different shades of purple.

Of course, it was a struggle at first.  The paint wasn't doing what I wanted it to do so I took a deep breath, told myself to keep going and let the paint lead you...follow your instinct Sandy.  I listened to my voice and by the time I was done, I was extremely happy with what came about.  The marks I made and the overall feel of the painting was completely unanticipated.  Such a beautiful thing.  I guess I'll keep breathing and listening to my beautiful voice.

p.s.  In class on Monday, my professor looked at my samples and the painting and told me I was doing great...I guess I'm way too hard on myself.  

Shamelessly Purple - Oil Paint